Friday, March 8, 2013

270 Days and Weighing

This morning my weight was as it was yesterday morning, 185.2... which is saying something cause I had pizza for dinner last night!

I had my husband snap this picture of me this morning quickly.. Sorry about the mess behind me, you can tell I have a 4 year old daughter.

I'm very proud that I'm doing this well and I'd like to continue on my path. I still suffer from the destructive thinking that I had before..

"I've been here before and gained it all back"
"All it'll take is a few bad days and it'll all pack on again"
"I may have the confidence now, but I'm sure I'll fall off again."

These thoughts are poison... and I need to rid myself of them.

I keep telling myself, "When you see 189 you'll feel better." ....

"When you break 10 lbs, you'll feel better"....

Now it's "when you see 179, you'll feel better."

But the thing is, I already DO feel better.. cause I'm in the zone.. and I'm DOING it. That's the best I can say. At least I'm doing it.

I haven't exercised. I'm guilty of that lazy habit. I am also guilty of making sad excuses. "If I exercise the muscle and water retention will prevent me from losing.'... Stupid right?

That'll be my next big challenge, but right now I'm aiming to break 180. It's been such a long time since I've done that, that I'm hoping it'll give me some nice motivation. The lowest weight I've been since the birth of my daughter was 168. This was July of 2011. Since that fateful summer, I've been on an up-hill spiral that I finally feel I may have the motivation, confidence and momentum to surpass and NOT quit.

I have 3 more weeks until I have a vacation in SC and TN.. And I'd really like to be in the 170's by that time, so I can try to keep my motivation going to not "lose myself" in "Vacation mode" as I usually do.

But this is not a diet, it's going to have to be my new way of life.. and I'm in it for the long haul.

Thanks for listening!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

10.4 down, but who's counting

It's been a while since I've posted, my apologies. In the past month of my absence, I've done rather well, actually. I tipped the scale again on Feb 4th at 195.6; and decided to take a different approach than I have in the past; and that is strictly counting calories.

And in the past 32 days, I've lost 10.4 pounds... That's averaging just over 2 lbs a week!  I didn't do it in 2 lbs a week, my first week was a nice 5 lbs week, but I was able to keep going without giving up and get another 5 off!  So here I am, 185.2, and still ramped and ready to go.

I don't have a photo yet, but I will ask my husband to take one of me tomorrow, and I will do my daily count tomorrow as well. I am still on track to finish my Challenge 33, and if I continue to lose as I have been, I shoudl make my goal of 60lbs maybe just around my deadline of my birthday. It beens like such a long term goal ahead, but in all honesty it's only 49.6 lbs away now!

That's still a hell of a lot of weight, but it's great to see that nuimber drop below 50. I'm hoping to ahve aother great dinner tonight and see the number on the scale drop again tomrrow.

I will keep you updated on my progress from here on out.. I really want to keep a photo log for myself, as I can't see the difference yet. Other have told met hat theycan, but I think it'll be a while until I see it for myself, and I now these photos will be a huge help!


Friday, January 25, 2013

314 Days and Weighing....

I skipped out last week. I don't even know what I weighed last Friday, I didn't get on the scale. I did get on this Wednesday though, and it wasn't a good number, so I figured a decision needed to be made.

As my Grandma used to say..

Shit or get off the Pot.

So I decided to shit already, LOL.

A good friend of mine said that the tone of my blog has gotten a little, well, depressing. For that I apologize. When I'm not doing well I'm not the best person to be around.

A Bitch, my husband would call me.

He says we fight way more when I'm feeling "fat" than any other time. Well, since I've been hovering at the heaviest I've ever been in my life without carrying a baby, I'd say that I've felt pretty plump.

Today however, I got on the scale and decided to accept whatever number I saw, and move forward from here with dignity and grace. (Well, maybe dignity, I have the grace of an amoeba.

The number today?  193.4

Not so bad. It's better than the number i saw on Wednesday, which I will not post out of fear that my tone will go dark and dreary again...  But that means that I did good yesterday.  I know, it's only one day.. and since this is a 365 day challenge, I'm 51 days into it... at least I've had 1 good day.  Today I intend to turn that into Two good days. :)

I'm feeling confident, excited.. I'd really like to get started on the rest of my life, without being so, well, bitchy. 

I'm imposing a Mini-Goal to post on Fridays... It's a little Goal I'd like to meet each week to help me remain motivated to get on track.

This weeks Mini-goal is a big one; since it's my first I'm going to try to push myself for it.- 189.8. That would be a 3.6lb loss this week. Not unheard of my any means, but not easy at all.

But I'm going to put on my Pom Poms and Cheer myself on.  All I have to do now is figure out what the heck I'm going to eat all week..


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Sweat pants and Sexy Lingerie

Woke up this morning to a blanket of slushy nasty wet snow covering the earth. Not a very deep blanket of snow, but enough to make your drive to work miserable.  As I was picking out my warmer work clothes from my closet, I dug towards the back, where I have hanging my beautiful white silk Lingerie set that I wore on my Honeymoon Night.

Size  - Medium.

I think it'd cover about half of me now... If I tried to put it on I'd no doubt tear it right in half. It's amazing how 8 years into a marriage you can go from sexy silk negligee's to baggy sweat pants, without a second thought.

Don't get me wrong, I like sweat pants... and I'm sure in many ways they can be very becoming on a woman... but to be honest I'd really like to be able to to wear that silky number again.

I've been doing pretty good since Sunday. I had a nice day on Monday with my daughter, and I cheated a little bit during the day but straightened myself out again for dinner. Last night I allowed myself to have a little desert, but my dinner, a salad with some sirloin steak wasn't too bad for me.

Got on the scale this morning, and ti was in the correct direction. I'm sure I could get ti to move more than what I've seen but I'll just have to keep going. I'm hoping to get back on track and exercise again, and not let Sunday's disaster with my WiiFit derail my efforts in that department.

It's very hard to stay motivated when you're haunted by the memories of the many repeated failed attempts you've had in the past. However it only takes that one time to "choose to win" and get back up, spread your wings and refuse to fall again, that you will succeed to fly.

Lets hope my feathers are starting to grow...

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Excuses and Exercises..

On Sunday I decided to work out.  Dusted off and popped new AA batteries into my WiiFit balance board, and started the "The Biggest Loser" video game.

As I started to set up my 4 week training program, I had top decide between beginner, Intermediate and Advanced.  I admit, I was tempted to go with Intermediate, just so I wouldn't get a "weak" work out... but I decided to be honest with myself and go with the Beginner.

I started it up... Squats... Not too bad... Leg Lifts... okay.. Stretches... Good.. Jumping Jacks... Lunges... Push Ups..... Repeat....


It  .  Kicked  .  My  .  ASS

I couldn't finish it. It was a 23 minute cycle, and I only made it about 15 minutes and I had to stop. I couldn't catch my breathe. I couldn't speak.. My heart felt like it was going to completely come out of my ears..

So I just walked away from the Wii balance board with the voice of Jillian Michaels telling me, "come on, you can do this".. and after downing 2 bottles of water.. I said.. "No computer Jillian, No I can't". I felt that it was just WAY too much for me to be doing alone in my bedroom, instead of the Biggest Loser contestants who not only have each other and their trainers, but medics on seen if one of them passes out.  I decided to go downstairs so that if I passed out, at least my husband could revive me.

I can only tell you one other time I was that out of breathe from over working myself.. and it was when I ran 2 miles through the Detroit airport to catch a flight. We made the flight, but when I got on board I puked. All I could think about was I was NOT going to miss that flight!  And I didn't, I made it home and got a great story about of it.

So here I am. I tried... my body is aching, and I felt fatigue like I've just run a Marathon after 1/2 of the Beginner circuit on the Biggest Loser video game... but I'm not defeated.

I did something I haven't done. I worked out harder than I have in over 5 years.

And I'm going to keep doing things that are out of my comfort zone until these things get easier, and then I'll have to find a new comfort zone.

Tonight I'm going to take a new avenue, and complete a Walk Away the Pounds DVD. 30 minutes... 2 miles. I've done this one recently. And although it's hard, I know I can finish it.. and I intend to finish it.

It's just so hard being your own worst enemy at the same time as your greatest ally.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Day 326 and Weighing....

It is with great sadness I have to admit... I gained this week.

If I could express my disappointment in myself in measures that would allow it to be truly understood, I would.


One hundred and ninety four -point- four

It's not a huge gain... (just over half a pound)  But I promised myself that I wouldn't waste any more time, and I was just kidding myself.  I wasn't going to take this picture today at all. I figured once I saw the number on the scale this morning that was enough for me to just hide for the week and "fix it' next week. Then I figured, I have to take the good with the bad.

I found an old diary of mine this week. It was started before I got pregnant with my daughter. In the entries, I went on about the exact same things I'm saying here. That I was "bigger now than I ever have been in the past".. and I was so upset about being 174 lbs.  Imagine the depression that can cause to the same person, who is now 20 pounds plus that.

My husband recorded a dateline episode this week. Dateline teamed up with people magazine for their "half my Size" edition. It was a special on people and weight loss, fads and diets that really work, fake diet pills that don't do anything but cost a ton.. and finally, Food addiction.

When watching this I realized something about myself...

I'm addicted to food.

I think about eating a lot. I think about what I'm going to eat.. and what's worse I think about what I want to rat more than what I'm going to eating. I try to eat healthy things, but I actually talk myself into believing that if I'm going to go out to eat at a restaurant, I might as well enjoy my food if I"m going to pay for it.. As if eating healthy when I go out isn't possible, simply because it's a special occurrence.

This would be a true thing to say if it WAS a special occurrence. Instead I go out to eat more often than I eat home cooked meals.

I don't like to cook. One of the main reasons that I don't like to cook is because I don't know how. Do I have desire to learn.... a little bit, but not much.   My husband likes to cook, and he's a good cook. But I dont' think he realizes that his food isn't always the best choice for me.

I need a personal chef. Someone who can come into my house, my job, the restaurants I eat at.. cook the meals, put them on the plate for me in the exact portion size that I need and say "here ya go, that's all your getting.. stop bitching about it and eat it".. but that's not going to happen.  maybe someone to sit next to me with a ruler and slap my hand every time I reach for a tootsie roll.


It's also easy for me to go to my dear husband and blame him for not knowing what to cook for me, and how many calories are in what.. (I'm very guilty of starting that fight).

It's not his fault.

It's not the restaurants fault.
It's mine.


You see, I've done this before. Been here before. Struggled these struggles before.. on a little bit of a smaller scale. 9 years ago I did this. I was heavy when I got engaged to my lovely calorie-dumb husband. He loves me, that I know... He has seen me at my worst... and at my best.

I lost 40 lbs for my wedding simply because I was pissed off that the dress shop was going to charge me for a plus sized dress.  WHY can't I get that kind of motivation?  It was like, something clicked that one day.

But.. I had my Mom cooking for me. I ate home at 5:30 every single day.. and it became easy for me, cause my Mom was doing it with me, and I learned what I needed to do to get the weight off. I have been trying to figure out a formula that works for me since then.. and they pretty much all end in excuses that that was the only way that I could get this weight off.

Excuses. They're all big fat dripping in oil and salad dressing plain as the nose on my face excuses. In fact.. that's one of my favorite excuses. That it was easy to do it then cause my life was so different. First, that's bull shit. Second, my life has changed.

(Below is a picture of me on my wedding day. It's one of the best ones that I have that show how thin I really was)

Over the holidays I went to NY to visit my family and decided after 8 years of marriage, it was time to get the wedding dress out of the closet and take it to be preserved.  After looking at it.. and looking at myself, Its hard for me to believe that it ever actually fit on me. I mean, the bra that I wore that day can't even close more than halfway around my body now!

When I got married, I weighed 140lbs.

The thought of that makes me sad..angry.. hurt.

But this time, I'm starting to feel a new emotion when thinking about my weight, and how physically out of shape I am.


I'm scared that if I stay on this path I will continue to Yo-yo. ON and Off, On and off.. try and try.. and "starting again tomorrow".. over and over, until one day I have a heart attack. I'm not speaking figuratively, I mean a literal heart attack.

I'm not a small girl. I know that a lot of my friends will tell me that I look fine. Even my closest friends tell me I don't look too bad. I've even been told by one of my closest friends thatit's cause I've got such big bobs.. that if I had a breast reduction my weight would drop. My clients at work have even said to me that I look like I've lost weight... when I haven't lost, I've gained.

These comments feeds my ego.. and therefore, my mouth.

Compliments can be grat. very motivating. but compliments placed by those who are just looking for something nice to say, sometimes shouldn't be said at all.

I'm an excuse for someone who claims that they are trying. And the only one that I"m hurting, is myself.
And my daughter.She needs me to be a healthy Mother to her and what am I doing? What is she learnimg from me?

"What do you leave to your child when you're dead... Only whatever you put in it's head" - Quote from: "Children Will Listen".

It's scary to me.

I don't want to die from being fat.

I don't want to die young.

I don't want to die.

I want to be healthy. I have aspirations of being a runner, and being able to look back at pictures of myself and say "look at me.. look at what I did to better my life".  have visions of hearing my doctors tell me that my blood pressure is perfect, and that my cholesterol is normal.. and that I did this all for myself.

I want to make my daughter proud.

I want to not

But while i think of these things, my stomach starts to growl and I think about my lunch that is waiting for me.

It's hard.

It's sad.

I need help.

But ultimately, the only person who can help me..

Is ME.

And I can't give up on myself. I can't give up on this challenge. I need to get started on the rest of my life!

Wouldn't it be really awesome if I could actually do it?