New Years Eve

Tonight is the first New Year's Eve I will spend alone. My daughter is asleep on my chest abc my husband is snoring in the next room since he's got a bad cold and chooses to stay away from us (we don't mind).

It's just another night to us. Makes me feel safe to know that we are home and not on the roads with the crazies and the drinks tonight.

Tomorrow starts my New Year's resolution. I'm not going to go into that on this post, but instead will focus on that in my next post. I have all the best intentions for 2013. I'm hoping that it will truly be a year of changes for the better for me.

The best part is its not about what may be coming my way, cause I am the only one who can determine this destiny and outcome.

I just have to find the will to get there! Happy New Years Eve everyone!!'

Memories, and the right/wrong track

Today marks 2 weeks from the horrific tragedy in Sandy Hook Elementary school in Newtown, CT. I can't put into words how I feel about everything that happened. I cried. A lot. I held my daughter... I  get nervous every time I leave her at school in the morning, something I think will be with me for the rest of my life... I focused so much of my attention to those families only about 150 miles from me, and the feeling of heartache is unbearable.

I'd like to say that the 2 weeks that I've been missing on my blog was due to those tragedy's, but it wasn't. It was due to me.

I got on the scale Thursday night, the 13th... and weighed 190.4. That was awesome. Amazing.. I was SO proud. So proud that my husband took me out to dinner.

And I ate.. Figuring I'd get back on program the next day.

But I didn't.

With everything on the news about those poor people, the families, the horror.. I ate. That was my excuse. Sad excuse, but an excuse all its' own.

THEN, I got news that my dog was sick. Moderate heart disease. He'll be on heart meds for the rest of his life... So of course, I ate some more..

The the end of the world was coming on 12/21/12... So I ATE.. I figured if I"m going down, I'm going down after eating BBQ Ribs and cheese fries, instead of a darn salad.  Alas... 12/22/12 we were all still here.. and so was the weight I gained from that lovely meal.

Then came Christmas...

The a mild case of pneumonia. Fun. 3 hours in the doctors office yesterday, blood pressure at 152/93; heart rate 98 bps. (I was nervous combined with furious after waiting forever to be called while sitting in a waiting room with tons of people who sound like the choir from "deaths door, the Musical")

So here I am. Trying to find the correct path to travel down from here to fix the issues I have set for myself. I feel that I have so much to live for, and I'm not living the proper way.

Still not feeling 100%, not wearing my fitbit.. and not truly focused.. my goal is to jump on this horse as soon as I'm feeling healthier. And my deadline is New Years eve... I'm making a resolution, that will be announced in another post, once I figure it all out.. and I intend to stick to it.

No more 2 week breaks,

This challenge would never work if I did 1 week on, 2 weeks off.

That'd be awesome though, wouldn't it?

Fit Bit Rocks

So excited!  I got a fit bit yesterday for Christmas! If you dont' know what a fitbit is.. (most people probably don't) it's a really awesome pedometer; activity monitor thing, that keeps track not only of hose many steps you've taken, but also how far you've walked; how many flights of steps you've climbed, calories burned... and ont he web site it helps you track your calories so you can eat healthy and lose weight,  It even measures your sleeping patterns to see how efficiant your sleep is.

It's only mid-afternoon, and I'm watching my movement like a hawk. It's amazing how much I don't move when I'm at work. I sit at a desk from 8 am to 5 pm, with a short break for lunch, where I go sit int he back and read. Really great exercise.  but at least now I can keep better track of it. The fitbit also has an incredibly easy website, where you can measure calorie intake vs burnt (the fit bit does that part of it).. and you can actually logically understand the whole "calories in calories out" point of weight loss and fitness.

I can't wait to get home tonight and get on that treadmill, just to see how I do on my graphs!  I'll see if I can figure out how to post a picture of the web site or the app... I highly recommend it, even though I haven't had it a full day yet. 

Carousel anyone?

I've made some very poor choices in my past. Sometimes, it takes a collaboration of good choices that all have to line up in order to make it to a goal.

I've been watching my calorie intake, and I feel that I'm actually doing pretty good with it. I'm confident this Friday will show a loss on the scale for me, and in turn, that is my goal.

However...I seriously need to choose to move my ass more often. I learned the hard way on Saturday that I'm way out of shape, when my Mom who is 30 year my senior (Love you Mom, you're amazing) was able to totally whip me at a simple work out DVD.  She didn't even break a sweat and I felt like I was ready to pass out and die.

I drank 3 bottles of water DURING that 30 minute exercise, and she didn't even need a sip.

Since then, I've meant to get on the treadmill; but haven't. I was supposed to do another DVD routine, but I didn't.

I have all kinds of good excuses... but that's all they are excuses. Choices. Choices that will lead me down the path that I'm so familiar with, and obviously too comfortable with. Failure.

Failure is not an option, it is a choice.

If I'm going to choose to win in life, I need to realize that everything I know, and everything I've been in the past is not the right path for me to succeed. I will just continue on this roller-coaster without ever getting off.

Well, I don't ever expect the ride to be over.. I know I'll be riding this ride for the rest of my life, but I REALLY want to make it to the Carousel. You know, the horses go up and down a little, but for the most part you go round and round... forever, at the same speed.

I want to make it to my Goal carousel ride. That will be the win for me. And right now, that ride is miles and miles away, and there is no train, or plane, or car that can take me there.. I have to get off my lazy bumm and move there!

Trust issues?

Anyone who knows me, knows I love to take vacations. Anyplace that's not home or work is the place for me.

But better yet, any place with lots of food is even better. And there is few places with more food than a cruise ship.

Today my husband offered to take me on a cruise mid-February, and at first I got really excited.

But then I got nervous. I realized that this trip would only be about 2 months away. A nice amount of time to get into a new routine for a better life, but not enough time for me to trust myself not to go too crazy with the breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner... Snacks, deserts...

So.... (Although my taste buds are frurious with me for making this decision)

I've decided not to go on the trip. It's a major decision and a huge step on my part, and I feel that it's the right one for my path right now.

Learning from my past, I know that trip would derail any progress I've made up until that point. Not just maybe it would throw me slightly off course... nope. It would completely and utterly derail me!

Maybe someday I will be able to trust myself enough to enjoy the cuisines on a cruise ship without sabotaging myself too completely, but not in 2 months.

So did I make the right decision? Sad though I feel about not getting away on a vacation in 2 short months, I'm proud that I made this choice for me! Now I'd better stay on track or else I'm going to be one bitchy non-vacationing woman come mid-feb, if I haven't lost a thing.

Oh, by the way... I think I did awesome this weekend :) just sayin

Damn I'm out of shape

This morning I decided to get a start on my exercise... So I did the 2 mile brisk walk of Leslie Sansone's "Walk away the Pounds". You know what?

It kicked my ass

All I kept saying to myself during was. " I can't believe I let myself get this out of shape." But the thought of slowing down, or stopping cause I "couldn't do it", made me angry at myself.

I just keep thinking about all the years I've been wasting... The time that's gone by based on excuses like "I can always start again tomorrow"... Tomorrows add up.

So I started my day with the 2 mile walk,and I'm proud. Then we went out to breakfast and I was so nervous on what to eat...

I know that this is going to be EXTREMELY HARD. But I'm Trying to remind myself that I only live once. I'm tired of the battle, I'm tired of losing. Now, I choose to win!

361 days and weighing....

Here is it. My first public humiliation, and I'm doing it to myself!

I promised that I'd post my first weigh in today, and so here it is...

Drumroll please ...........

195 pounds

That's 200, minus 5. That's horrible, frightening, embarrassing!

Well, there you have it. Photo taken this morning to follow! It's an honest, no sucking in your rolls photo. But if I want to follow true progress, short of photographing in my bra, this is the best I can offer.

And no, I'm not pregnant, just fat!